AKA Uncovering The Secrets of Effective Communication During the Holidays 6 Useful Tips and Tricks

In the 1995 Movie Home for the Holidays staring Holy Hunter her character Claudia Larson is reluctantly heading home for the holidays with her dysfunctional family, which includes her parents, brother, sister, elder aunt and a charming friend of her brother’s who Claudia is drawn to. As expected various arguments occur and secrets are revealed. Yet what stands in my mind most is the end credit scene where these various family members who had experienced such strife when forced to be together around this holiday table appeared happy and contented in the video montage when alone with their significant others and those they have chosen as their family. Inspired by general events of the movie and that end scene I offer you dear readers this holiday survival guide of sorts.

1) The true secret to effective Communication is for all parties to be open to one another, willing to really hear each other. 

To do this successfully people have to be listening with an open heart and mind. Timing is key to this. Moments of true connection and communication happen not when people are forced to be together to talk but when they are choosing to. When they are ready. So the tips that follow are about navigating and in many cases avoiding situations that will lead more to destructive fights than constructive communication.

2) Spend the Holidays with the people you really want to be with.

This may sound very simple but I can't tell you how many people especially my clients are spending the holidays with people that make them feel guilty, inadequate or all around terrible. If you do not enjoy being with somebody when it's not a holiday you're going to like it even less when it is one. I know we might say “but I'm obligated I have to”. There is no have to, You can choose to decide who you want to spend time with. “But my mother, father, Aunt Bertha (or whoever it is you feel obligated to see) will be angry if I don't”. Chances are if you're dreading seeing somebody that much they have already in some way shape or form expressed displeasure with you or made you feel like you were letting them down in some way spending this holiday with them is not going to change that and it's just going to continue to make you feel bad.

3) Holidays are not the time for a big reveal

Let's say you have some secrets you've been keeping or some thing that you feel you've been holding onto too long and as long as the whole family is going to be there it's about time they knew. Well the holidays is not the time to do it. There's already enough pressure there's already enough stress and whatever news you're delivering will not necessarily land the way you want it to and you're going to wind up feeling that maybe you should have waited or you're going to feel disappointed in the people for not having the reaction that you wanted them to have. Whatever your news is hold it. Wait until you can be alone with a particular person you want to tell, take them for a nice lunch a nice dinner but please do not do a big reveal on a major holiday.

4) Happy Holidays are about making memories that hopefully will bring you joy in the years to come they are not about settling old grudges.

Maybe you have felt slighted for much of your life, maybe you felt like people in your family never gave you your due. The holidays are not the time to bring this up. If you feel a certain way about a certain relative or you're upset about something in your past with anybody in that room take them out for lunch, take them out for dinner or coffee or whatever it is you want and have a private conversation which they may or may not take, but it is much better than trying to say “No I will not pass you the mash potatoes because I’m still mad at you for stealing my autographed baseball when we were 6.”

5) Focus on the positive of the situation and don’t worry if things aren’t perfect.

So many times during the holidays especially there's pressure on people to make the perfect meal or have the perfect activities or whatever. First of all there's no such thing as perfection stuff is going to by its very nature be imperfect. The key to holiday survival is to accept that things will not be perfect and try to find any positive that you can. And for this day, for your survival focus on that positive. The same goes for the people themselves. If all you focus on are peoples negative qualities that is all you will see. Try to find something positive about your relatives, anything even if it is seemingly small in comparison to what you perceive as their flaws. The majority of the time our relatives do have positive intentions, it is just their mode of delivery can be problematic. 

6) There will be people in your life that you just don’t click with even if you are related and that is ok

Oftentimes there's a lot of pressure on us to feel a connection with people that we are related to. Sometimes you just don't. Sometimes you have people in your life that you're technically related to but if it wasn't for the fact that you were related by blood you would have nothing in common and you probably wouldn't want to spend a day together much less a holiday. The old saying that we choose our friends but not our family is very true but it is also true that sometimes the expectation of being close can put pressure on us that doesn't have to be there it's okay if you and a given relative don't connect accept that. Accept them for who they are not what you wish they could be and as I said in the previous point try to find something positive about them but you do not have to create a connection if you're truly not feeling it. If cordiality is all you can handle then that's fine.

(Image by: Tim Gouw via Unsplash)